Male and Female Showering Habits
Shower like a woman…
Take off clothing and place it in a sectioned laundry hamper according to lights, darks, whites, man made or natural.
Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If husband seen along the way cover up any exposed flesh and rush to the bathroom.
Look at womanly physique in the mirror and stick out belly. Complain and whine about getting fat.
Get in shower. Look for facecloth, armcloth, loin cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
Wash hair once with Cucumber and Lamprey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.Wash hair again with Cucumber and Lamprey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
Condition hair with cucumber and lamprey conditioner with enhanced natural crocus oil. Leave on hair for 15 minutes.
Wash face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten minutes until red raw.
Rinse conditioner off hair taking at least 15 minutes to make sure that it’s all come off.
Shave armpits and legs. Consider shaving bikini area but decide to get it waxed instead.
Scream loudly when husband flushes toilet and water loses pressure and turns red hot.
Turn off shower.
Squeegee all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mould spots with Tilex. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of small African country.
Wrap hair in super absorbent second towel.
Check entire body for remotest sign of spots. Attack with nails and or tweezers (if you can find them).
Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If husband seen, cover up any exposed areas and then rush to bedroom to spend hour and a half getting dressed.
Shower like a man…
Take off clothes while sitting on bed and leave them in a pile.
Walk naked to bathroom. If wife seen, shake knob at her while shouting “Way Hey!!”
Look in mirror and suck in gut to see your manly physique.
Admire size of knob in mirror, scratch bollocks and smell fingers for one last whiff.
Get in shower.
Don’t bother to look for wash cloth, don’t need one.
Wash face.
Wash armpits.
Laugh at how loud farts sound in the shower.
Wash bollocks and the surrounding area.
Wash arse, leaving hair on soap.
Shampoo hair but do not use conditioner.
Make Mohican hairstyle with shampoo. Pull back curtain to see self in mirror.
Piss in shower.
Rinse off and get out of shower. Fail to notice water on floor because shower curtain outside bath for whole shower time.
Partially dry off.
Look at self in mirror, flex muscles and admire size of knob again.
Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on floor.
Leave bathroom light and fan on.
Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, grab knob, go “Yeah baby” and thrust pelvis at her.
Put on yesterday’s clothes.
Laws of Computer Programming
Any given program, when running, is obsolete.
If a program is useless, it will have to be documented.
If a program is useful, it will have to be changed.
Any program will expand to fill any available memory.
The value of a program is proportional to the weight of its output.
Program complexity grows until it exceeds the capability of the programmer to maintain it.
Make it possible for programmers to write in English and you will find that programmers cannot write in English.
Bradley’s Bromide: If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee – that will do them in.
Weinberg’s Law: If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization.
Hoare’s Law of Large Programs: Inside every large program is a small program struggling to get out.
Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later.
Excuses Written By Parents
THE FOLLOWING IS A PARTIAL LIST OF ACTUAL WRITTEN EXCUSES GIVEN TO TEACHERS IN THE ALBUQUERQUE PUBLIC SCHOOL SYSTEM BY PARENTS OF STUDENTS:
1. Dear School: Please excuse John from being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.
2. Please excuse Dianne from being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.
3. Please excuse Johnnie for being. It was his father’s fault.
4. Chris will not be in school because he has an acre in his side.
5. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken off his face.
6. Excuse Gloria. She has been under the doctor.
7. Lillie was absent from school yesterday because she had a going over.
8. My son is under the doctor’s care and should not take physical ed. Please execute him.
9. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hit in the growing part.
10. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent this weekend with the Marines.
11. Please excuse Joyce from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday she fell off a tree and misplaced her hip.
12. Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
13. Maryann was absent Dec. 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache, and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low-grade fever. There must be the flu going around, her father even got hot last night.
14. Please excuse Blanche from jim today. She is administrating.
15. George was absent yesterday because he had a stomach.
16. Ralph was absent yesterday because he had a sore trout.
17. Please excuse Sara for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
18. Please excuse Lupe. She is having problems with her ovals.
19. Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had diah(crossed out), diahoah(crossed out), dyah(crossed out) the shits.
